How To Know Its Time To Let Go.

Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships or friendships that leave a bitter taste in our mouth. The whole weight of the relationship is on us. We are the ones trying to call, text, mail or ping. The other party is dormant. At this time we become emotionally bankrupt especially if the friendship meant something to us. We begin to ask questions. Where exactly did I go wrong? Probably because of shared experiences or memories, we are hesitant to let go. So we hold on and tolerate the friendship and that further zaps the little life in us. Until gradually it begins to dawn on us that the whole relationship is dead; the funeral rites are just too expensive for both parties.

A few weeks ago when @orefakorede on twitter asked a pertinent question, “how do you know when its time to let go of something or someone?”

I replied “when you are tired of it all or when you have found something better.”

To be sincere, letting go of some friendships can be expensive. However the bitterness that comes with holding on to such friendships is more expensive.

If you find yourself in such situations, you need to run some friendship diagnosis.

1. Ascertain there is no problem or life challenges facing your friend. It will be bad of you to desert your friend in times of needs. You can do this by visiting him/her.

2. Intensify your efforts at making the friendship work. If it does bounce back, you’ll be happy for it. If it doesn’t, you’ll know you have tried your best.

When you have tried all the above and nothing is happening,
it is only right to take a leaf from Robert Greene’s the 48 laws of power #16. “Use absence to increase respect.”

What you should do is just gradually excuse yourself from the friendship activities you engage in. if you call him three times daily, reduce it to two. If she is observant, she will notice the distance. If she doesn’t, increase the distance, reduce the calls to once daily. By using this law, two things will happen.

    1. If the other party is observant, s/he will notice the distance on your part and try to reach out.
    2. There is no response from the other party and the friendship dies a natural death.

When (1) happens, its a good sign that both parties are committed to the friendship but when (2) happens, *sighs* boy you’d better seek new friendship opportunities. Move on with your life. Like I said in this post, ” just because someone fits your idea of a friend today doesn’t mean they will tomorrow.

Have a wonderful week.
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Join the conversation on twitter follow @phemyte.

Dealing With Unrealistic Expectations In Friendship.

Have you ever been in one of those friendships that start great but just dies sooner than it starts?
Perhaps you are the type that loses interests in friendships when you discover something not so cool in your friends?
If you have then you’d enjoy this post. Also you might be the one that needs tweaking.
It is not unusual to see people hook up and start seemingly wonderful friendships. Only for the lights, flames to fizzle out as time progresses. When such occurs, one of the probable explanation is the unrealistic expectations we have when we start friendships. It is very easy to see a wonderful attribute in a person and that would cloud your reasoning. We often overlook the human factor. We forget that just as no machine is 100% efficient, so are humans. So when we start to see the other sides of our friends, we become heartbroken. Then you hear statements like, “I thought you were a nice person”. The truth is there are no perfect human beings.
You see, you cannot be ugly and still lack character. What you lack in beauty should be adequately compensated in intelligence, manner, speech etc. It is true that God looks at the heart, but man values the outward appearance hence the saying dress the way you want to be addressed. But the sight of man can be easily deceived hence the other saying, “all that gilters is not gold”
Man’s weakness to be easily attracted by the lights, colors, pomps and pageantry of everyday life is easily exploited by a few with a preconceived image which is usually a smoke screen to belly the rots and decay below.

Everyone you see is just amplifying their strengths while we down play the weaknesses. This is why before you proceed with any friendship, you need to leave space for errors. Just because someone fits your idea of a friend today doesn’t mean they will tomorrow. The yorubas’ have a saying, “Ti a ba nsore, Ka fi aiye ija sile,” which literary translates to, “when you are being friends with someone, leave spaces for misunderstandings.”
This is rather true about the human nature because human needs change, priorities differ, people evolve, so does friendship. Do you still wear your favorite christmas shoe from 10 years old? I doubt it.
Friendship is more or less like a contract, so people fail to read the fine lines. In fact we fail to draw a terms and conditions guide. So when issues arise, we have no reference point.
Perhaps the best way to tackle this issue is before the friendship starts. When you are beginning to notice the closeness. Take a step backward and see the bigger picture.

A few questions you need to ask before going into friendship are these:

Why am I being friends with shola?

What kind of friendship are we having?

Is s/he going to be an acquaintance or confidant?

For how long are we going to be friends?

Is s/he the kind of friend I can relate with?

What are my limits and boundaries in this friendship?

These and many more should be able to guide our friendship and save us the heartbreaks that we encounter. It helps you to know, what to share with your supposed friends. There are very few things that hurt more than betrayal. Having a friend that uses your secrets against you.
I remember having a friend a few years back. We met at a time I wasn’t emotionally balanced. This made me let down my guards. I told her some privy information, only to discover that she blackmails me with my own words. I was so distraught but I took some necessary actions to set me free. It cost me a few things, but I regained my freedom.

Like I once opined in this article , people are in your life for a reason and a season. Once the reason and season is over, let them go.
Life is too short to have friends that bring you constant sorrow. It’s however better, not to be friends with them in the first place.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Join the conversation on twitter. Follow me ~ @phemyte 😀

Have you had any unpleasant friendships? How did you handle it? Let’s learn from your experiences. Use the comment box below.

What a Woman Really Needs..

 

This is a question that has been asked still asked and will still be asked. Yet the answers have always been evasive.

Adeola, is a final year student in one of the nations federal institutions. She is gorgeous and she knows it. Just last week she was chatting with a friend on what marital life she hopes to have. “Before I get married my husband must have built a house, have a car and be comfortable. I can’t get married and continue to suffer, laelae” I heard her saying. “Why am I getting married if my hubby can’t take care of me?” She asked further.

Cynthia on the other hand wants a man who would love and cherish her as well as accept her for who she is. “Every other thing is secondary for me. Just love me, accept me and understand me.”

Do Women themselves really know what they want in their men or relationships? Do they even know why they are in one or just following the trends?  Time and priorities change in life. That’s why the answers to this question differ at every stage in their lives. At 16-18 she’d be asking for rich, tall, dark and handsome”. At 25 after several heartbreaks, she’d be asking for “God fearing man”, at 30 it’s “I want a good husband” at 35, 40 and above, “I just want a man.

While I have no qualms with anyone saying what they desire, it is important to note that some women can be overbearing, demanding and unrealistic. They shift the goal post every time.  *Hides under the table 😛 * And I can’t help but ponder on these questions.

Can you protect and provide?  Can you give the things you want in your man? Yes you need this, you need that but what are you bringing to the table?

Marriage or relationships are not meant to be lopsided. The men alone should not bear the whole burden of the union. It’s supposed to be a win-win situation where we both lay our cards on the table and play a fair game. When I say burden, I mean emotional, social marital and of course err… financial. *dodges the eggs and tomatoes*

Thank God all women are not like Adeola, some of us may never get married. And what stops a man from aspiring to marry a rich woman. What stops me from marrying a woman who has all the qualities women want from me? I thought whatever is good for the goose is also good for the gander. No??