Relationships: Of Nurseries, Crutches and Scaffolds,

nursery

As a graduate of agriculture, the nursery always fascinates me because of the important role it plays in the development of certain crops. Some plants need absolute care at the beginning of their lives, that’s why we raise them in nurseries. At the nursery, the condition is controlled and survival of the crop depends on the care it receives in the nursery. After a while, the crops need to be moved to the field for further growth. During this period of their lives, they need to leave the shelter and comfort zones of the nursery pots to continue their lives. If not, the nursery pot continues to limits the growth of the plants.

While the nursery starts its job in the early phase of life, the crutches and scaffoldings come much later. The crutches provide support in trying times. It offers us hope and aid when we fall. The scaffolding on the other hand, helps in the beautification of our lives. No matter how helpful the scaffolding has been, it has to give way for the beauty of the house to be revealed.

crutch 3d

One of the hardest things for us to accept is that some people are not meant to be in our lives forever. Of course some people “may” be with us for life, (wives, parents etc.) but some people are just in our lives for a season. Some are meant to mentor us, help us through trying times etc. but not for life. It does not mean they are not good or we can’t be friends anymore. No matter how wonderful or helpful they are, there is always a time for them to go. The tragedy is that we become too dependent on them, and if they do not move on from our lives they begin to limit us. We have to be knowledgeable enough to know when someone’s part in our life is over. We need to realize that when a door closes, another one opens. And sometimes, it could be a window, so jump. The problem is that we often look so long at closed doors that we fail to notice open windows.

scaffolds

As we start a new year, some relationships are going to fall off you like scales.
don’t fret. Often times it’s not because they are bad people, they’ve just served their purposes. Their reason is done, their season is over. You don’t need someone to constantly think for you, believe for you etc. you can do these things by yourself. It’s time for you to start that business on your own, start that class. Once in a while, some people may appear in your life, who really are God sent. You have to remember that, If you are to continue to grow, you need to get rid of the crutches. And what better way to start than in the new year? Do have a wonderful new year!

Short Story: Battle At The Home-Front 2

As I breezed past my secretary I caught the glimpse of a glow of satisfaction on her face.

 She was wearing the shirt I gave her as a birthday present.

 

Hello honey, how was your night? I asked as I hugged  Adeola from behind.

Awesome she said, resting her torso on my frame. I caught the wisp of her hair, the jasmine scented oil she used filtered into my nostrils.

Hope you had a wonderful rest she asked.

Yes dear I replied as I took my seat at the dinning table.

Adeola had made me a wonderful meal of oatmeal and fried eggs.

 

That’s one reason to love my wife. She never allows me to leave home without having breakfast no matter how small.

 

 

Oh gosh! I exclaimed, dropping the fork with a clang.

What’s the matter honey? Adeola hurried out of the kitchen.

 

How many times have I told you not to serve me with the same fork you used in whisking the eggs. You know how much I hate the smell of raw eggs. Argh!

 

I’m sorry honey, it was a mistake. She stammered.

Mistake my foot. Are we just married? I yelled at her.

 

I was past caring, I stood up from the chair picked my suit, brief case and headed for the car.

 

As I navigated the road to work, I relaxed my brows sighing. That went well! Seriously I know it ‘s uncalled for but I just had to do it. Not after I came home late last night reeking of alcohol and female perfume. I had to sneak into bed.

Sometimes my conscience pricks me, I feel as if I’m cheating  her. That I’m not being fair to my wife but I can’t help it

 

As I breezed past my secretary I caught the glimpse of a glow of satisfaction on her face.

She was wearing the shirt I gave her as a birthday present.

Short Story: Battle At The Home-Front.

 Shina, told the bartender “just a plate of “bokoto” for me please” his eyes trailing Nkiru’s gait as she dragged her heavy backside into the small cubicle at the end of the room

It’s 9:32pm. The day is still young I said to my friends as I glanced at my watch. “The night seems to be crawling today.” Retorted Sir Kay.

I signaled to the bartender to serve another round of beer and a plate of “bokoto”, it was my sixth bottle of the night.

“Thanks a lot” I said as Nkiru filled our order.

Shina, told the bartender “just a plate of “bokoto” for me please” his eyes trailing Nkiru’s gait as she dragged her heavy backside into the small cubicle at the end of the room. Though 16, she has the body of a 25-year-old lady.

“Shina, Stop Committing Lookery” I said. You are a married man for chrissakes.

“Ol’boy, bone dat tin mehn.” Sir kay replies with a belch. “Women are just necessary evils and marriage is an attempt to sustain the human race.”

The three of us are married with good jobs; the only boat that seems to be rocking is our marriage.

Shina is blessed with three wonderful kids and pretty Eno.

Sir Kay is divinely gifted with Ayoade a wonderful woman who has giving him Akinola while expecting another baby.

As for me, I have a wonderful and beautiful Adeola for a wife. We’ve been married 3 years and we love each other like bread and butter.

Shina looked at me, at Sir Kay then back at me. Shook his head and said. “At least my wife is not here,” He said wiping his face with a blue handkerchief. “So let me look all I can”. Let me get home first before I start worrying about her.

Each time we gather like that, we talk about our homes and the challenges we face at home. Sometimes we talk about work or other things, recently, issues we discuss these days is the home front.  Most especially, our wives and their pranks.  The same thing seems to be happening to us all and this has made me conclude all women are the same.

Last week, it was Sir kay’s wife who started picking on his tie, She complained his tie was too loose when he got home, that if he had no skeleton in his cupboard, she would be the one to un-knot his tie. Despite Kays’ insistence that he could not navigate the Lagos gridlock with a tie around his neck. He slept on the couch for the rest of the week. The cause: Kay is yet to give her the 75k she asked him two weeks ago.

As for shine shine bobo, it took the arbitration of family members to quench the brimstone. His wife suddenly kept checking on him at close intervals via calls and BBM. Whenever he was to leave home, Eno would simply jump into the front seat and demand they go out together. The cause: Shina was too tired for lovemaking after he accompanied his boss to a CSR event and was shown seating beside her on Tv.

Tonight, my home is the topic of discussion. Last night, my wife nagged about the DsTv subscription. We still have a week before it’s due but my wife made an issue out of it. She accused me of being insensitive to her needs. She even said it point-blank. “Tunde, you are not making me happy anymore.” To which I just kept mum. I know her too well for me to say a word at that moment.

You see, I love my wife and I hate to hurt her, but since mama came visiting 2 months ago, her nagging has been on the increase. If there’s one thing I know about my wife, it’s that she’s not always like this. She was a loving and wonderful young girl I married. But after we had our first and last miscarriage, we’ve not been able to conceive. That I guess is the reason for her apprehension.

I also hate arguments. So each time she brings up an issue, I play dumb and take the defensive. Why bother?  I end up apologizing even if she’s wrong.

When I could take it no longer, myself and the guys sought solace in mama Nkiru’s bar. Every night, we drown ourselves in liquor, so when we get home, we take a shower, eat supper (if it’s available) and sleep off at the dinning.

No matter how much my wife rants, the liquor blocks all. I wake up in the morning apologize for last night and hope for a better day.

A glance at my watch again 11:25, time to head home. The traffic should have reduced.

As we had our last drink and paid Nkiru, the look on our face was as pale as death itself. Home is meant to be a place of rest, not a war front.

Though different battle grounds, we were all fighting the same battle, and until truce is brokered, each man to his cross.

********

What a Woman Really Needs..

 

This is a question that has been asked still asked and will still be asked. Yet the answers have always been evasive.

Adeola, is a final year student in one of the nations federal institutions. She is gorgeous and she knows it. Just last week she was chatting with a friend on what marital life she hopes to have. “Before I get married my husband must have built a house, have a car and be comfortable. I can’t get married and continue to suffer, laelae” I heard her saying. “Why am I getting married if my hubby can’t take care of me?” She asked further.

Cynthia on the other hand wants a man who would love and cherish her as well as accept her for who she is. “Every other thing is secondary for me. Just love me, accept me and understand me.”

Do Women themselves really know what they want in their men or relationships? Do they even know why they are in one or just following the trends?  Time and priorities change in life. That’s why the answers to this question differ at every stage in their lives. At 16-18 she’d be asking for rich, tall, dark and handsome”. At 25 after several heartbreaks, she’d be asking for “God fearing man”, at 30 it’s “I want a good husband” at 35, 40 and above, “I just want a man.

While I have no qualms with anyone saying what they desire, it is important to note that some women can be overbearing, demanding and unrealistic. They shift the goal post every time.  *Hides under the table 😛 * And I can’t help but ponder on these questions.

Can you protect and provide?  Can you give the things you want in your man? Yes you need this, you need that but what are you bringing to the table?

Marriage or relationships are not meant to be lopsided. The men alone should not bear the whole burden of the union. It’s supposed to be a win-win situation where we both lay our cards on the table and play a fair game. When I say burden, I mean emotional, social marital and of course err… financial. *dodges the eggs and tomatoes*

Thank God all women are not like Adeola, some of us may never get married. And what stops a man from aspiring to marry a rich woman. What stops me from marrying a woman who has all the qualities women want from me? I thought whatever is good for the goose is also good for the gander. No??

Of Men, cocks and their offsprings.

As I watch through the scene, the same story plays out in almost every black movie I see. The woman and children are having a hard time living, paying the bills, feeding etc while the man who is supposed to be the father is out there living a freelance life. A life with no worries. Even when the lady makes attempt at getting some upkeep from the man he chases her off like a goat. He puts down his foot and rebuffs all attempts to milk him as he thinks.

Am like what the hell is wrong with the male folk? Why do have to answer to the wrong names for all the right reasons? I’m sure it wasn’t like this years ago when you fell in love in high school. Promising each other heaven on earth. “I’m gonna take care of you babay”

The dates, the flowers, the dinner, some even go to the extend of giving out rings to make her double sure he’s Mr Right , while he’s only Mr. Right Now.

Where did all that love go? Where are all the dreams you both had as teenagers?

So many instances as this paint the female folk as being gullible. Whereas, the men in their lives are not living up to expectations. Failing to fulfill their part of the contract. Only to surface years later when the child makes a head way in life, hoping that an apology will suffice all the years of absence. Where were you when the child was growing up. what investments did you make in his life. And talking about investments, it’s not all about money. what about the psychological, emotional investments?

As I ponder on these thoughts I begin to see the reality even in our world. The same thing happens and what pervades the movies is not just a work of fiction or an attempt to libel.

This whole story bears a striking semblance to the cock and the hen. While the cock is about to mount the hen he makes his feathers wide showing off his strength and level of protection he offers. On getting his object of desire, he goes his way as if nothing happened. Weeks later the hen hatches the chicks and then the problems begin. She has to feed the chicks rooting the dumps and gutters around. She has to provide the shelter and heat for the chicks most of all she needs to protect the chicks from the hawk/eagle.

Coming back to saner climes, the African mentality, sometimes absolves the father of the outcomes of dysfunctional homes err… relationships. Proverbs  exist such as “omo to da ni ti baba e, eyi ti o da ni ti iya e”. (a good child is the father’s, a bad one is his mother’s). Why should only the men take glory for the success of the children and the mother for otherwise? If the man wants a good child why didn’t he sleep with himself and bear the child. Another of such proverbs is “oke oku loku re baba omo lo lomo”. ( No matter what, a father owns his child.)

African Society paints the man as solely independent. He can do whatever he decides with little or no implications to him. A man can have as many wives/mistresses he wants but a woman is restricted to one man. A man’s decision in a family or relationship is final. Why must this happen?

While I would not want to be hanged for treason, I need to ask some honest questions

What makes a man to neglect his duties as a father?

Was it intentional?

Are men just after the thrills of the moment while they roll in the hay?

Did the woman offend her?

Or were his dreams just a flash in the pan or just what they were … Dreams?

As the case is, questions are always more than answers…