#DearFutureWife: I Am a Die-hard Arsenal Fan.

LETTER TO THE FUTURE MRS By Biodun Owojaiye

Dear future wife,
I write you this missive at this point in time partly because I am inspired to do so and partly because I was ordered to, albeit subtly by a highly revered ‘bros’. Left to me, I would have written this letter next year, but I already gave my word to this bros that I’d pen you one before long. I have thought about you severally, believe it or not, even though I cannot readily pick out your face or identify you. What then have I been thinking of? Well, it will suffice to say here that my thoughts have been dominated the values I would want you to hold and the attributes I would love you to have as it concerns the spiritual, the moral, the intellectual, the emotional, the social as well as the physical. Yes you read that right! The physical!!! I won’t attempt to mock you by saying it doesn’t matter. It does, by all means, it does. I have yet to see a scenario where the heart loved what the eyes didn’t appreciate. On this foundation, I can say that I know the qualities you possess and the ones you don’t regardless of the fact that you remain unknown to me.

As a young boy, I wondered how married people who have long tied the nuptial knots manage to stay together for years. I tried to know what they get to talk about during all the time they spend together. As a teen, I asked my mother who already loves you without knowing you and who I am sure you will love and will have no problem getting along with why married folks don’t get bored. She simply replied that couples who marry as friends don’t get bored. What a response it was. For my light years then, the message sunk in well. I don’t get tired of my male friends. How much more you, my lovely female friend? Ruminating over this now, I am tempted to think I can unravel your identity but since there are no hard and fast rules as it concerns this, the matter will be allowed to rest.

ON MY EXPECTATIONS
You are not perfect. I don’t even want you to come to me perfect. If you are, I would be utterly useless having no value whatsoever to add and you would have no need of me. What then is the purpose of marriage? In the same vein, I am not quite the finished article yet but you can hold firm to this; I am someone who tries. Areas that need to be improved in my life are and will be given the required attention, the same approach I believe you employ. Our relationship as man and wife should be complementary, this is a view I have come to imbibe from watching my own parents. First of all, I will take care of myself for you as you would take care of yourself for me. That way, you will complement me, I will complement you. This is as good as it gets.

By God I hope you have a great sense of humor. I come from a home where funny but not vulgar people abound and if there is anything I want replicated in my own home it is the easy going and humorous ambience I grew up in. We should always have time to share a laugh or two. Such an environment is a needed if we will thrive in all areas of our lives, not to mention how important it will be to the children when they arrive. Our home should always be a place that calls out to us whenever we are away. I hope that with your fantastic sense of humor comes a very low nagging coefficient. It is not a crime to say all women nag some merely over do it. It is of these kinds that King Solomon said living alone in a corner of a roof is better than living with. The very low nagging coefficient is simply short-lived and pleasant nagging. A woman who doesn’t nag at all is fast becoming a man.

I expect we would have just two kids (hope this is fine by you?) and then proceed to give them the very best we can, legally. I don’t subscribe to the idea of having a litter of kids who will be deprived in any way. You sure are well aware that training up a child is much more difficult than people would readily admit particularly these days when the society’s moral fabric is at its thinnest. Raising children goes beyond been financially able, the emotional requirement and commitment must also be factored in. The derelicts and public nuisances of today, if their past is thoroughly investigated, usually have suffered one form of lack or the other while growing up. I’m lured to say it’s more of emotional inadequacy than financial inadequacies that allows these deviants too get so lost. Begetting a dyad should also prove to be of help as you seek to maintain your trim figure after childbirth. Another side benefit of having just two kids is that if the Almighty permits, we will finish raising them early enough. Our late years wouldn’t be spent scolding and tracking teenagers. There are many other advantages but this is beginning to look like a political campaign therefore, I will let the matter be until I hear from you concerning this.

WHAT’S HAPPENING PRESENTLY
Married people are supposed to tell each other anything and everything so I will at this juncture move on to sundry issues that I have been discussing with a few friends. If our marriage is going to last we better start discussing the other issues that seem not so inconsequential.
The first would be the craze of young parents giving their children foreign names. While this is not a new development as parents have been doing this for many years, it has reached new heights now and this is very hilarious. It used to be a mixture of religious names and other ‘home-made’ names that infants were named in times past. Some Yoruba kids these days don’t even have Yoruba names. What happened to our indigenous names? Seems to me these names are going out of vogue, the very way our values as a society are.
Do Europeans give their children African names? This reeks of inferiority complex on the part of our people. I don’t expect many people to accept this logic and I certainly don’t intend to reform anyone but you can be sure I won’t toe that line. It is perceived in some quarters to be a form of modern day colonization, which may seem a little extreme, but it isn’t far too far from the truth. It would be fantastic to hear your take on this.

Secondly, dear future Mrs, I am a die-hard Arsenal fan. Now, as a team we have not won any major trophy for almost a decade except low-end shields like the Emirates Cup and the Audi Cup. Despite this big challenge and monumental shortcoming, I have remained a fan. I declared my allegiance to the team in the early glory years of Arsene Wenger, years before the era of the Invincibles (my team went a whole season unbeaten, can you believe that?) and when the going became tough with trophies hard to come by, I didn’t jump ship. The trophy drought has not eroded my loyalty. This season, we are hoping we can turn the situation around and win a Cup, and silence our critics once and for all. Thus far it looks realizable, except for a member of our squad who seems to be working against the interest of the team. He may be doing this unconsciously as he puts on the same jersey as the other ten players, but when a striker refuses to bury glittering chances in the back of the net every matchday, I begin to see him as a saboteur. His name is Olivier Giroud. Based on his performance thus far, it’s safe to say he is all brawn and no brain, just like Brown Ideye of the Nigerian national football team. I hope he improves for the sake of our team. It doesn’t matter whether you like football or not, but I hope you’re not averse to me telling you things such as this.
It must be said that I have deliberately left out issues that border on love, religion, career and romance. My future letters upon receipt of your own letter, will address the other areas that need to be looked into.

Affectionately yours,
Your Future Hubby.

P.S: If I am not looking in your direction, You can follow me on twitter @laolualasiki, I’ll take the process from there *winks*

How To Know Its Time To Let Go.

Sometimes we find ourselves in relationships or friendships that leave a bitter taste in our mouth. The whole weight of the relationship is on us. We are the ones trying to call, text, mail or ping. The other party is dormant. At this time we become emotionally bankrupt especially if the friendship meant something to us. We begin to ask questions. Where exactly did I go wrong? Probably because of shared experiences or memories, we are hesitant to let go. So we hold on and tolerate the friendship and that further zaps the little life in us. Until gradually it begins to dawn on us that the whole relationship is dead; the funeral rites are just too expensive for both parties.

A few weeks ago when @orefakorede on twitter asked a pertinent question, “how do you know when its time to let go of something or someone?”

I replied “when you are tired of it all or when you have found something better.”

To be sincere, letting go of some friendships can be expensive. However the bitterness that comes with holding on to such friendships is more expensive.

If you find yourself in such situations, you need to run some friendship diagnosis.

1. Ascertain there is no problem or life challenges facing your friend. It will be bad of you to desert your friend in times of needs. You can do this by visiting him/her.

2. Intensify your efforts at making the friendship work. If it does bounce back, you’ll be happy for it. If it doesn’t, you’ll know you have tried your best.

When you have tried all the above and nothing is happening,
it is only right to take a leaf from Robert Greene’s the 48 laws of power #16. “Use absence to increase respect.”

What you should do is just gradually excuse yourself from the friendship activities you engage in. if you call him three times daily, reduce it to two. If she is observant, she will notice the distance. If she doesn’t, increase the distance, reduce the calls to once daily. By using this law, two things will happen.

    1. If the other party is observant, s/he will notice the distance on your part and try to reach out.
    2. There is no response from the other party and the friendship dies a natural death.

When (1) happens, its a good sign that both parties are committed to the friendship but when (2) happens, *sighs* boy you’d better seek new friendship opportunities. Move on with your life. Like I said in this post, ” just because someone fits your idea of a friend today doesn’t mean they will tomorrow.

Have a wonderful week.
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Join the conversation on twitter follow @phemyte.

Dealing With Unrealistic Expectations In Friendship.

Have you ever been in one of those friendships that start great but just dies sooner than it starts?
Perhaps you are the type that loses interests in friendships when you discover something not so cool in your friends?
If you have then you’d enjoy this post. Also you might be the one that needs tweaking.
It is not unusual to see people hook up and start seemingly wonderful friendships. Only for the lights, flames to fizzle out as time progresses. When such occurs, one of the probable explanation is the unrealistic expectations we have when we start friendships. It is very easy to see a wonderful attribute in a person and that would cloud your reasoning. We often overlook the human factor. We forget that just as no machine is 100% efficient, so are humans. So when we start to see the other sides of our friends, we become heartbroken. Then you hear statements like, “I thought you were a nice person”. The truth is there are no perfect human beings.
You see, you cannot be ugly and still lack character. What you lack in beauty should be adequately compensated in intelligence, manner, speech etc. It is true that God looks at the heart, but man values the outward appearance hence the saying dress the way you want to be addressed. But the sight of man can be easily deceived hence the other saying, “all that gilters is not gold”
Man’s weakness to be easily attracted by the lights, colors, pomps and pageantry of everyday life is easily exploited by a few with a preconceived image which is usually a smoke screen to belly the rots and decay below.

Everyone you see is just amplifying their strengths while we down play the weaknesses. This is why before you proceed with any friendship, you need to leave space for errors. Just because someone fits your idea of a friend today doesn’t mean they will tomorrow. The yorubas’ have a saying, “Ti a ba nsore, Ka fi aiye ija sile,” which literary translates to, “when you are being friends with someone, leave spaces for misunderstandings.”
This is rather true about the human nature because human needs change, priorities differ, people evolve, so does friendship. Do you still wear your favorite christmas shoe from 10 years old? I doubt it.
Friendship is more or less like a contract, so people fail to read the fine lines. In fact we fail to draw a terms and conditions guide. So when issues arise, we have no reference point.
Perhaps the best way to tackle this issue is before the friendship starts. When you are beginning to notice the closeness. Take a step backward and see the bigger picture.

A few questions you need to ask before going into friendship are these:

Why am I being friends with shola?

What kind of friendship are we having?

Is s/he going to be an acquaintance or confidant?

For how long are we going to be friends?

Is s/he the kind of friend I can relate with?

What are my limits and boundaries in this friendship?

These and many more should be able to guide our friendship and save us the heartbreaks that we encounter. It helps you to know, what to share with your supposed friends. There are very few things that hurt more than betrayal. Having a friend that uses your secrets against you.
I remember having a friend a few years back. We met at a time I wasn’t emotionally balanced. This made me let down my guards. I told her some privy information, only to discover that she blackmails me with my own words. I was so distraught but I took some necessary actions to set me free. It cost me a few things, but I regained my freedom.

Like I once opined in this article , people are in your life for a reason and a season. Once the reason and season is over, let them go.
Life is too short to have friends that bring you constant sorrow. It’s however better, not to be friends with them in the first place.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Join the conversation on twitter. Follow me ~ @phemyte 😀

Have you had any unpleasant friendships? How did you handle it? Let’s learn from your experiences. Use the comment box below.

Poetry: Honey, I Want To Fight!

I want to fight O. My love I want to fight.

I want the fight where you pull my hands behind & tickle my sides.

I want the fight where I sit on you and hold your hands together.

I want the fight where you chase me around the room trying to kiss me. I want to fight.

I want to fight the physical fight, where I hold your hands together & tap your butt.

I want the fight where we struggle to be in front of the mirror.

I want to fight, fight where I form vex when pain wan kee me. *winks*

I want the fight where you let me eat all the meat in our food and ask me to provide it after the meal. :/ *See Gobe*

I want the fight where I make you mad & jealous while I press my phone.

I want the fight where you drag me away from the mirror just to take my bath.

*sighs* So many wonderful memories about you honey. I miss you a lot yet, I want to fight.

© @phemyte ’13

Lessons from the 48 laws of power.

The 48 laws of power by Robert Greene is no doubt a wonderful and powerful book. Though old, it has never ceased to generate comments sentiments and reactions. Several readers have their reservations about the book or those who have read it. However, reading the book again recently with a liberal mind, has opened my eyes to certain facts,which has informed the writing of this article.

I got to understand that power as referred to in that book, is not necessarily a position nor authority, but the fact that there are other forms of power that are more subtle yet more efficient than coercion.

No matter how much people criticise the book (48 laws of power), each and every one of us, has embedded in us a few of those laws and we use them at will without fore thought. How many times have you tried getting some girl/guy’s attention by showering attention on someone else?

The 48 laws of power is not a book for squashing the enemy or usurping the throne. Neither was it written by power hungry Greene for his followers. IMO, the book is just a glimpse into the psychology of men and how they see themselves. Man’s struggle to attain self actualization and social acceptability. In other words, it’s a book about man’s selfishness, his insecurities and how he feeds it.

All the laws have different seasons and situations they can be applied. Some are applicable when aspiring to reach the top, others while at the top. Some are applicable with contemporaries, others with juniors or seniors. Some with groups, others with individuals. The bottom line, whatever phase in life, there is an applicable law.

All the laws are tools. They can either be used appropriately or not.

Have a great day! 😀

Have a contrary opinion? Use the comment box below to air your views. Thanks!